Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
