I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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