Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
