My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
