So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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