btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
