I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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