The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize