His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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