my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
