The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
