I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
