Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
