My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
