I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
