im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I believe in your delicious
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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