I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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