By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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