i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
