So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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