Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
