If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
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