I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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