Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
