I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
