Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize