but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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