I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
