I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Shame - the story of my life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
