wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
