Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
