I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
