Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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