How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
