We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
