birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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