So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
