Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
