My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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