I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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