So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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