She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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