I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
