Your face is a jimmy john
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
