I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
