Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize