I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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