when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
