my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
