You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
