I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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