ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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