I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
