you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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