Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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