peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You pole danced in your parka.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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