Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
