dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
