I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
